Sharing personal photos and reflections from the past year.
Happy Valentine’s Day!
I hope this blog post finds you ready to celebrate a sweet day ahead, by acknowledging the love and affection you have for your family and friends. Hug them if you can get to them in-person! Valentine’s Day can seem trivial, but with some perspective I hope everyone finds a way to celebrate each day.
For me, this holiday can tend to remind me of trauma. For one, the girls and I moved in with my parents 4 years ago today. Then, last year, I was immensely struggling with my health, only to find out a month later (on St. Patrick’s Day) that I have cancer.
I’m actively choosing to rewire my brain this year and walk in a new light, but it’s difficult. I want to be present within all my roles as wife, mom, daughter, sister, friend, etc. but the truth is, I’m working hard to utilize new tools to get through each day. I’m doing the best I can to support myself with good sleep, the healthiest diet I can manage, exercise, counseling, and other means of self-care.
This date brings a time of reflection. I’ve found myself writing again to emotionally cope, and I’m reminded of Ephesians 5:2 “And walk in love, just as Christ also loved you and gave Himself up for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God as fragrant aroma”. What a blessing it is to know Christ and have His perfect example.
Today, I thought I would share some personal photos with you from the past year. This is a true collection of the good, bad, scary, and fearful moments we encountered since this time last year. I’d like to paraphrase another cancer patient’s sentiment by sharing it here, and letting you know just how much it has resonated with me. I’ve changed the wording a bit, to make it personal to my journey.
As I think about my own personal cancer story and the success I’ve had yet the struggle I face daily, I feel both a strong sense of being a cancer thriver and also a tiredness in the journey of my life-long effects. When the fight is a sprint, I am a good fighter. When the fight is a marathon, I do grow weary to persevere. I have so much to celebrate and also process as I live with active cancer, a lifelong, quality of life condition that is managed on a 3 month increment schedule.
For the past year, I have lived in fear as I could not be told for sure if the cancer was gone. As the year progressed, the long-term effects of the treatment I’ve received have started to rear their heads. Fortunately, I have made changes to my life and sought out every means to heal myself. I have won many battles both medically and personally, and I have learned a whole new language when referring to health and cancer.
Most days, I am emotionally and physically tired of the struggle. Trying to imagine how to live the life I really want to live as an active cancer patient, a wife, a mom, and a person, is tough. This past year has resulted in me giving up things in my life to take care of my family and my overall health. We’ve had the right priorities, but we have clinched our teeth, trudging through, and now we look back on the wake that’s been from all the stress. It’s hard not to feel like our finances are in complete shambles, our marriage has suffered connection, and our kids haven’t gotten to see the ideal version of their parents.
I want to scream this is too much to handle, and I am over it. Yet, the stubborn and determined self that got me through cancer treatment and so many other struggles shouts louder, that there is no giving up and that I will do all the things I need to do: surrender all of my worries and stress to God. He knows just how hard this is for me. As my family completely supports me and sees my daily struggles, I can’t help but feel bad that no one signed up for this.
Even with seemingly “good news” at my last visit, the fight for my health is not won; my family, relationships, and overall quality of life are severely affected. I move forward with some normalcy until my next scan, which can change our trajectory at any time.
I’m sharing this collection of photos with you to bring you in. This has been our mess. We are consistently told how well we are handling this season of our lives. Michael and I don’t feel like we’ve handled this time very well at all but we understand that we need to keep it simple and fall forward.
Even if we had really handled all these trials with as much faithfulness and righteousness as some people believe, it would still be insufficient to earn the Lord’s favor. All the Lord asks of any of us is this: that we believe Him. We are every bit as tired and sinful as you might imagine but we believe the Lord. We will not go any further than that.
This time, last year, I had a 5 month old teething baby, and two energetic little girls. I had just started to work again, doing business development for Jason Buffington and Dani Burns.
On St. Patrick’s Day 2022, I received my cancer diagnosis. The first three photos here were taken before I started my work day. I had left treats at the nursing homes before logging into MyChart and seeing the words “papillary thyroid carcinoma”.
A series of emotions and appointments immediately followed, including my last in-person visit with my dear friend, Schuylar Barnes. March 19th, 2022, was the last time I hugged Schuylar. She came over to encourage me and love on me after receiving my diagnosis. That’s the kind of person Schuylar was. I miss her so much and think of her daily. She was truly the only person who “gets it”. My experience pales in comparison to all that she endured. She’s forever my hero.
Days before my surgery there were moments where I was crippled in fear. I would not sleep. I would feel the 3cm tumor in my neck and I would stay awake all night. My brain would not slow down or shut off. My husband, my kids, and my parents kept me sane. On March 28th, 2022, I had my surgery. I had two drains coming out of my neck when they sent me home.
I was taking calcium supplements around the clock. I had visitors, mail, and food being delivered. My drains came out after 8 days, and then my stitches about 2 weeks later. I couldn’t lift Moses or hold him hardly at all.
I started juicing after watching Chris Beat Cancer’s SQ1 modules during a binge session. They are FREE to watch right now (HERE’s the link). I was reading a lot of cancer material while learning to sleep on my back.
At the end of June 2022, I was scheduled to begin radiation. I did a lot with nuclear medicine to prepare for radioactive iodine. I ended up having 128.9 millicuries of radiation. I stayed quarantined in my home for several days. I couldn’t hold Moses for 21 days, and for the most part, stayed at least 6 ft away from everyone even after the initial quarantine.
I kicked my juicing game up a notch after completing radiation. You can now see me with an anticancer juice almost anywhere I go. After six months, my calcium regulated and I was able to wean off the calcium supplements.
I continued my routine visits to the lab and my endocrinologist. I had imaging, x-rays, and an MRI. I began healing with functional medicine and working with my Naturopath.
I started to work-out again. I was doing physical therapy for my neck, as well as two low impact strength training sessions per week. Dani Burns hosted us at her lovely beach home for a family getaway.
I went back to the chiropractor and started my kids back to school. I even sold some homes!
Here is a compilation of scan photos. Most of these are taken in the Nuclear Medicine Department at Northeast Georgia Medical Center. Some scans appointments are over 2 hours long. I have spent 45 minutes at a time inside of those machines. I always have to wear an eye mask or else I get claustrophobic.
Now, I’m a patient at Levine Cancer Institute in Charlotte, NC. We are grateful for our care there, but I’m also glad I don’t have to go there every two weeks. I do labs locally, and my next scan is on May 5th. In the meantime, I’m doing imaging this week to check for stomach ulcers.
That leads us to today. February 14th, Valentine’s Day… where I’m easing into my new normal. Mom and I took pictures together to celebrate the year that we’ve overcome and to replace hard memories with new ones. I wanted an updated photo with my mom so that we’ll always have it to remember this time… the time the Lord brought us through another fire and we persevered, and became even more refined.
We are making plans and living our lives. As mom says, “we are living in earnest expectation for the Kingdom!” We are learning to live with cancer, and how to share it as the newest part of both our stories.
Give your valentines a squeeze today. I know I’ll be squeezing mine. xo.
Under the mercy,
